Follow My Damn Playlists Already

By Miranda Feneberger

3/08/2017 9:40 a.m.

Hey, it’s me, that girl you follow on Spotify! I’m just writing you this because I was wondering why you were following me on Spotify if you didn’t want to follow any of my playlists? Like, I have 200 followers on my profile but then a lot of my playlists only have one or two followers. So that’s why I’m reaching out. I hope you and David are doing well together and I’m glad it’s not weird between us now that you two are dating!

3/08/2017 9:52 a.m.

I was thinking maybe you weren’t sure how to follow my playlists! There’s actually a large green button reading “Follow” that sits just at the top of the playlist. So it’s pretty much just right there. You just have to be able to read to find it, basically. It’s possible that you thought I only had four playlists, but there’s actually another button that reads “See More” at the bottom of the page! If you click it you’ll find I actually have 86 playlists (but only 47 were inspired by David - LOL).

3/08/2017 10:16 a.m.

Anyway, maybe you just followed me to be nice? I know Spotify has the “Find Your Facebook Friends” feature now, so maybe you just clicked “Follow All.” That’s fine, though, because it means you added me back on Facebook again which is awesome. But I’m just wondering what the point of following someone is if you have no plan to engage with their content? Just because you are dating my ex who I introduced you to does not mean I don’t deserve a civil amount of playlist engagement!

3/08/2017 10:54 a.m.

Well I just wanted to give you a little update that I’ve made some new playlists in case the old ones weren’t your cup of tea. I actually have them for all different moods! I have some fun ones like “Lululemon Can Eat My Ass, Honestly” and “Getting Revenge On My Ex-Boss Who Fired Me Because I Wore Ripped Jeans One Time.” Did you see those? There’s also a playlist of my favorite Off-Broadway show tunes.

3/08/2017  11:37 a.m.

I know you’re probably super busy which is fine but maybe you should check out my relaxation playlist? It’s got a bunch of super mellow stuff that totally helps me de-stress. If that doesn’t work, I’ve also got an instrumental playlist with my favorite songs from all of the Jane Austen adaptations. And if that doesn’t work, I might suggest one of my newest concoctions: “The Whole Album Yeezus But With A Few Gregorian Chants Mixed In.” By the way, I saw you and David went out on Friday? What did you guys get up to? I was actually so busy that night - I was creating a playlist dedicated to that douchey boyfriend from The Devil Wears Prada. The one from Entourage.

3/08/2017  12:01 p.m.

Is your phone broken or something? I haven’t heard from you in a while! You totally should have texted me to meet up when you and David went out. It’s totally normal for the three of us to hang. By the way, how is he? Can you ask him if he still thinks breaking up with me while we were listening to “Shake It Off” was really a good idea? I mean, he really ruined my “Girl Power” playlist.

3/12/2017  12:08 p.m.

Sorry, that was out of line. I want to respect your space together (literally - I can’t believe I am the one who lost that lease battle). So what did you listen to at the bar? Did you hear “Mambo No. 5” because that was always one of our favorites.

4/27/2017  7:38 a.m.

Oh my god I just heard that you and David broke up. I’m so sorry. I know this might be a weird time but I was actually just working on this playlist that I think might help you. It’s called “That Two-Timing Mother Fucker Strikes Again” and I think you’ll really like it.

5/12/2017  8:53 p.m.

Did you get a new phone number by any chance? I hope all of these texts aren’t going to some random woman who’s all like “What? Who are these strange texts from?” HAHA. Well, I heard you and you-know-who got back together again. I hope it’s not weird that I’m keeping tabs! It’s just that we have a lot of mutual friends like Liz from work! I think it’s very modern that we all stay in touch like this.

11/19/2017  9:45 a.m.

Me again! Liz told me that you and good old Davey-boy got engaged! Wow! That’s amazing. You better get married quick! David’s a fickle fellow, LOL. You guys are going to be so great together if he can keep his hands to himself for the rest of his life! Anyway, I can’t wait to receive the wedding invitation, and don’t worry. I’ll totally DJ.

Fun, WorshipMiranda Feneberger